I was told once, many years ago, that belief in what you wanted the most, that fiction, not fact, was the most real thing you could ever touch. What can you say to someone who slips away from you the next day? I got one final hug and a bye and she was gone for good. For her, maybe the fiction of not living was the most powerful thing. How do you tell someone, that at the time you believe them wrong, when they won't ever hear you again?

I've been going through a bunch of breakdowns lately, and while I can still hold my head high and figure out how to deal with what went wrong for the moment, I can't ever get rid of it.

I have to do a few things before I turn eighteen, but I can't find it in myself to do it. I need it, and I will do it. But when? Its not a fiction that if I don't finish it soon I won't get it. I'll miss out on one of the most powerful influences I could get in my life, something that college, universities, job interviewers, all love to see. Why can't I do it?

My friends...whats to say about what's past, present and will be? I don't have a single person I trust as much as I trust someone I've met online. Why is that? A virtual reality is better than a real life? Someone who CAN hold you and give you everything right their? But I've never had a relationship in my "real" life. Its not for lack, I know some people like me, and I've even had a few advances within the last few years. But I say no. It could be because I feel more strongly for a I love you more than a hug, or a screw. I want the sense of belonging to someone, and I want someone to feel the same way, but I've never felt that attachment to someone I CAN touch. People make fun of me for that, and I have nothing to say to them because Its not something I can explain, its not my reality or fiction, despite ANYTHING ANYONE says. It just is.


I'm not emotionally dead or numb, I'm not sick of people. I screw up a lot, and I fuck people over. I'm capable of laughter as I am of depression. I can give back as much as I receive. But I still feel something, not happy, not neutral,not really BAD either, but not good. It's just a pit at the bottom of my stomach. I can't describe the feeling, it sucks.

While I feel isolated and alone much of the time, and I can't ever say "talk to me about things" directly most of the time. That doesn't mean I don't want to hear people ask me, even if I say its fine, the act of someone asking always does wonders for me. It used to be, that the most attention I could ever hope for was when I acted out. I think it carried over to why I lie, and screw up small things like eating something I know I'm not supposed to even when I know its wrong.

I get the feeling that people ignore me though, as if not coming on AIM or MSN that they are trying to tell me something. It's stupid, but I do easily get a sense of abandonment, perhaps that's the problem? I'm getting to the age were I'm going to have to give up a lot of things. I know I'm scared of it.

Some people think that all they have is themselves, perhaps that is true. But I can't say that for me. People like Lenni, and Jazz, have truly changed my life by how they do things. My trust is not easily given, but when it is It's 100% all for you. And those fifteen people who have shown me repeatedly that it was trust well given...well truth be told my fiction are my friends, and it is my BELIEF they are more real to me than anything. No matter the distance.

My reality is my situation, not perfect...but nothing is anyways. I'll screw things up, and this is the way it is isn't it? I'll be depressed, and angry and sad, and pissy, and upset, but I have you guys to back me up won't I?